Put in my place

For almost a week my heart has wandered in directions it hasn’t been in…well, probably in years. I awoke Thursday morning and headed to school, it was my very last day of graduate school – the reality was more like a dream – had I really pulled it off? Was it possible that I had survived – AND succeeded? None of it sank in until I was driving home, and like a scene from the end of a “made for TV movie” straight off the Lifetime Television for Women Network, the last two years of my life played back in my mind – the pictures so vivid, the memories so real, the emotions so raw. Tears flooded my eyes and stumbled through my mascara; I felt them roll towards my chin – one after another after another…

January 2008 – a pediatric endocrinologist in Dallas, Texas turned my world upside down – “I’m sorry but Jackson has a large mass in his head” – the word NO, leapt from my mouth at the same time my heart leapt into my throat. I would eventually learn that my world wasn’t upside down – only shaken. Brain surgery followed 2 weeks later, a port placement 10 days after that, and exactly one month after his diagnosis I took my child to Dallas Children’s Hospital, 3 hours from home, and watched him be poisoned – monthly at first and eventually weekly. I did homework in the hospital, I studied while he slept, I drove home from Dallas in the middle of the night to make early morning classes, he was always first and my dreams were second – school was my “busy work” – a very productive alternative to worrying – at least initially when I was too pouty to talk to God about what was going on. I’ll never forget the first words I spoke to Him after Jackson was diagnosed – “Just because YOU gave YOUR son for me – doesn’t mean I’m willing to give mine – Jackson is mine”. It wasn’t long before I acknowledged that Jackson was His, I was chosen to be Jackson’s mortal mother, and that His will would be done – whatever that was.

March 2009 – Jackson is still getting chemotherapy – his MRI results have not been optimal – but we are trucking on – my faith taken a huge turn and now stronger than ever – my GPA rather impressive as well. My husband is a regular ole’ housekeeper at this point – my mom the part time babysitter – my Daddy supportive as ever, a soft place to fall when I needed one – not to mention Jackson’s #1 fan on the baseball field, so many other members of my family a phone call or greeting card away, my friends as attentive as ever. I said an ugly word when my phone rang just after 6am that Sunday morning – anyone that knew me, knew I was exhausted and an early morning phone call would only make matters worse. I didn’t answer the phone – not that first time and not 6 times after that. The second phone call did not come until about 30 minutes after the first – regardless in the lapse in time, I was not any more willing to rise and shine at that time than I was 30 minutes prior. With the second call, I looked to see who it was – my cell read, “Sheryl” – my step-mom. I first wondered (aloud) who was sick – her or Daddy? – Mark laughed and called me the “family nurse” as the third phone call rang his phone – the fourth rotated back to my phone – Mark’s phone received the fifth, he said, “Hey, what if it’s more than one of them being sick?” my reply, “I already know it is – I just don’t want to hear right now”. My phone rang for the sixth and seventh time – I heard a voice whisper, “Answer the phone baby” – this could not be happening – this COULD.NOT.BE. h-a-p-p-e-n-i-n-g. For the next, what seemed like an eternity, but in reality only about 3 minutes, I lay in silence – praying that my instincts were a creation from the “soap opera” side of my brain; my phone rang again this time it read, “Mike” – it was my mom (obviously calling from Mike’s phone):

Me: “Hello”
Momma: “Baby, it’s momma”
Me: “Momma, what’s going on?”
Momma: “Baby, where is Mark?”
Me: “He’s right here Mom – just say it, who is it?”
Momma: “Baby, it’s your Daddy”
Me: “No momma, no…no…no…no”
Momma: “Baby, I’m sor…”
Me: (interrupting): “What happened” ?.?.?.?.

…We buried him April 1, 2009. I was scheduled to have my first level Women’s Health check-off with my instructor that day – instead I read my Daddy’s eulogy – I knew God knew best, but I added a question to my list of questions He and I are going to discuss at the pearly gates… even though I “know better” than to put “God” and “Question” in the same sentence.

February 2010 – With Jackson free from the poison for 9 months now – life is rocking right along. Greer, the boss lady of the house, turned 3 on Valentine’s Day – I turned 31the day after – my biological clock is starting to sound like bass drum – in my own mind at least. So it’s that time of year – time to get my “front end aligned” – it wasn’t hard to make an appointment, after all I was there at least 30 hours a week for clinical time. I tell Dr. Whitaker that in addition to my pap, I want my IUD removed – she seems as excited as I am. With my left hand behind my head – and a silly conversation to between doctor and patient/clinical student – I see the expression change on her face – I don’t have to ask, I know what it is – she has found a lump in my breast… I left my IUD right where it needed to be. 3 weeks later the lump came out – pathology showed it was benign – I‘m convinced it was a piece of chocolate that had gotten lost on the way to my thighs even though the pathologist called it a fibroadenoma.

I've learned a lot – and I’m not talking about school. I've cried, I've cussed, I've carried on – the sun has risen everyday – I close my eyes and thank God. God has used the trials in my life to shape me into who I am today – the last 2 years affecting me the most. It’s odd to me – how God was able to keep up with me and work so hard to change me despite the fact that I was moving at the speed of light most of the time. I am proof that God is powerful and no matter what we are doing or where we are going, God is with our every move. He gives our soul rest and reminds us to let go and let God, He is in control and when I was not able to hold it all together – He did it for me. The trials I have lived were not God’s way of showing me my place in life but showing me my place in Him and what a fine place it is...

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